People have arguments, like, all the time. If you disagree with me, you’ve just proved my point.
Cue smug face.
Sometimes, these arguments can take weeks to resolve, hour after hour of businesspeople locked away in a meeting room, slugging it out with their words and negotiating on stuff that probably doesn’t really matter anyway.
So, if I had my way, all arguments – whether in the board room of a business, the playground of a school, or the sports pitch of a team – will be decided by who can pass wind the loudest if the two sides can’t agree. Each team will select a member to represent them.
Usually the fattest one.
The teams will toss a coin to see who goes first, and each team gets one chance to let rip the loudest. The volume and intensity of each guff is measured using one of those sound detector decibel things. The loudest fart wins. Simple.
This game takes skill: you could do the biggest guff in the world, but if it’s one of those breezy soundless ones, you’ve pretty much lost. So much as a toot from the opposition would see them crowned as victors. But neither team would care, safe in the knowledge that the world is now a better place thanks to the wonders of natural gas.
The loss of smell is only temporary, don't worry.
Many men already live by this rule, although their partners don’t realise they’ve literally just been trumped. This is the beginning of the revolution. Are you in?
If I Had My Way... 