Archive for the ‘Business’ Category

It’s a fact of life that Mondays suck. Everyone trudges into school or work, looking all glum. Some people are still a bit bleary-eyed from a heavy weekend. Exclamations of “where did the weekend go?” and “is it Monday already?!” echo off the walls. You get the gist. Mondays pretty much make you want to die.

So, if I had my way, Mondays will be banned. Actually, strike that: Mondays wouldn’t be banned, because then Tuesday would be the new Monday, and everyone would be just as upset, just on a different day.

Instead, Monday would be renamed Funday, and it would be the law that from the hours of 8-11 in the morning people everywhere are allowed to do nothing other than play games. It can be Scrabble, Halo, football, tiddlywinks, whatever – as long as you’re having fun, it’s fine. Those of you who insist on working will be shot. I don’t mean metaphorically shot. I mean actually shot. In the face.

Everyone would also have to dress up in fancy dress. And fire off Party Poppers every hour, on the hour. Basically, Mondays would be awesome. Morale would increase, positivity would increase, and the UK would generally be a happier place.

So break out the Ker-plunk, boys. It’s Monday morning, and things are about to get wild.


Handshakes are so boring. So business-like and formal. That’s no way to greet someone else, or open a meeting.


Plus, it’s a great way to spread disease. Swine flu? The Bubonic Plague? AIDS? All spread by handshakes. You dirty beggars.

So, if I had my way, all handshakes would be banned, and replaced by high-fives. The reason for this is two-fold.

Firstly, it prevents the spread of nasty diseases. Instead of a lingering, clammy handshake, where no doubt one of you hasn’t washed his hands properly after doing a pee, you give a quick hand slap; two, if you know the person really well.

Secondly, it’s super cool.

As demonstrated.

If you’re still skeptical, allow me to paint you a little mind picture with my brain brush.┬áThis is Ban Ki-moon. He’s the Secretary-General of the United Nations.


Every now and then, when there’s a crisis on or he’s a bit bored, he’ll hold a UN Summit, where all the world leaders get together to have a bit of a knees-up and perhaps the odd thumb war. At the moment, these world leaders have to shake hands.

You'd find more charisma in a sponge.

This takes time, is boring, and – yep, you’ve guessed it, the whole germy thing again.

So imagine this: Ban Ki-moon gets everyone to sit down, and then runs in front of each row with his hand out, high-fiving everyone as he legs it past. Then, when he’s finished, all the world leaders high-five each other. Obama high-fiving Gaddafi. Cameron double-high-fives Sarkosy. In the background, Berlusconi does the whole ‘down below you’re too slow’ thing on Putin, who initially looks grumpy but then realises that it’s a high-five, and so laughs instead.

This also applies to being sworn into office.

Just think about how many lives could have been saved with a high-five. High-fives make everything better. If Obama would only high-five Ahmadinejad, tensions between the two countries would lift and they’d get along like a house on fire. Instead, due to the boring old handshake, houses literally are on fire.

If only Churchill had high-fived Hitler, millions of lives could have been spared. You think about that next time you’re in a stuffy business meeting. You’re ruining the world.