Archive for the ‘Relationships’ Category

People have arguments, like, all the time. If you disagree with me, you’ve just proved my point.

Cue smug face.

Sometimes, these arguments can take weeks to resolve, hour after hour of businesspeople locked away in a meeting room, slugging it out with their words and negotiating on stuff that probably doesn’t really matter anyway.

So, if I had my way, all arguments – whether in the board room of a business, the playground of a school, or the sports pitch of a team – will be decided by who can pass wind the loudest if the two sides can’t agree. Each team will select a member to represent them.

Usually the fattest one.

The teams will toss a coin to see who goes first, and each team gets one chance to let rip the loudest. The volume and intensity of each guff is measured using one of those sound detector decibel things. The loudest fart wins. Simple.

This game takes skill: you could do the biggest guff in the world, but if it’s one of those breezy soundless ones, you’ve pretty much lost. So much as a toot from the opposition would see them crowned as victors. But neither team would care, safe in the knowledge that the world is now a better place thanks to the wonders of natural gas.

The loss of smell is only temporary, don't worry.

Many men already live by this rule, although their partners don’t realise they’ve literally just¬†been trumped. This is the beginning of the revolution. Are you in?


Handshakes are so boring. So business-like and formal. That’s no way to greet someone else, or open a meeting.


Plus, it’s a great way to spread disease. Swine flu? The Bubonic Plague? AIDS? All spread by handshakes. You dirty beggars.

So, if I had my way, all handshakes would be banned, and replaced by high-fives. The reason for this is two-fold.

Firstly, it prevents the spread of nasty diseases. Instead of a lingering, clammy handshake, where no doubt one of you hasn’t washed his hands properly after doing a pee, you give a quick hand slap; two, if you know the person really well.

Secondly, it’s super cool.

As demonstrated.

If you’re still skeptical, allow me to paint you a little mind picture with my brain brush.¬†This is Ban Ki-moon. He’s the Secretary-General of the United Nations.


Every now and then, when there’s a crisis on or he’s a bit bored, he’ll hold a UN Summit, where all the world leaders get together to have a bit of a knees-up and perhaps the odd thumb war. At the moment, these world leaders have to shake hands.

You'd find more charisma in a sponge.

This takes time, is boring, and – yep, you’ve guessed it, the whole germy thing again.

So imagine this: Ban Ki-moon gets everyone to sit down, and then runs in front of each row with his hand out, high-fiving everyone as he legs it past. Then, when he’s finished, all the world leaders high-five each other. Obama high-fiving Gaddafi. Cameron double-high-fives Sarkosy. In the background, Berlusconi does the whole ‘down below you’re too slow’ thing on Putin, who initially looks grumpy but then realises that it’s a high-five, and so laughs instead.

This also applies to being sworn into office.

Just think about how many lives could have been saved with a high-five. High-fives make everything better. If Obama would only high-five Ahmadinejad, tensions between the two countries would lift and they’d get along like a house on fire. Instead, due to the boring old handshake, houses literally are on fire.

If only Churchill had high-fived Hitler, millions of lives could have been spared. You think about that next time you’re in a stuffy business meeting. You’re ruining the world.