Posts Tagged ‘ahmadinejad’

War is a bad thing. It makes people sad. It makes other people dead. Half the problem is that the word ‘war’ is great to shout in the heat of battle, especially if you have a beard and a helmet with horns.

Apart from this dude, who shouts "FREEDOOOM!"

So, if I had my way, the word ‘war’ would be banned, and instead replaced with ‘fairy fight’. This would drastically reduce the number of wars in the world, thus minimising the number of deaths as a result of the wars. Confused? Then consider these scenarios.

Scenario One

A Viking runs into battle, a Spartan legs it towards the enemy, a Marine rushes towards a group of Islamic extremists. In the old days, they’d have yelled something along the lines of “This is WAAARR!”, with a really angry face.

Under my new rules, they’d scream “This is a FAIRY FIIIGHT!” Then they’d slow to a trot, then a walk, doubled over in laughter, as they realise just how daft they sound. Their enemies would do the same. One high-five later, and the war is over.


*wipes away tear* "Aah, that cracks me up. Now, off to go pillage something."


Scenario Two

Obama and Ahmadinejad are sat at a table, trying to broker a peace deal. Negotiations are stalling, and tensions are running high.

“I must warn you, Ahmadinejad,” states Obama, sternly, “that if you do not comply with our demands, it will mean an all-out fairy fight.”

A smile snatches at the corner of his lips. Ahmadinejad lets out a little snort behind his hand. Before you know it, they’re both giggling like schoolkids.

“Oh, you know what?” says Ahmadinejad, slapping his hands against the table. “Stuff all this arguing and that. Let’s go for a beer.”

They go for a beer. World War 3 – I mean, Fairy Fight 3 – averted. Lives saved. Job done.


Handshakes are so boring. So business-like and formal. That’s no way to greet someone else, or open a meeting.


Plus, it’s a great way to spread disease. Swine flu? The Bubonic Plague? AIDS? All spread by handshakes. You dirty beggars.

So, if I had my way, all handshakes would be banned, and replaced by high-fives. The reason for this is two-fold.

Firstly, it prevents the spread of nasty diseases. Instead of a lingering, clammy handshake, where no doubt one of you hasn’t washed his hands properly after doing a pee, you give a quick hand slap; two, if you know the person really well.

Secondly, it’s super cool.

As demonstrated.

If you’re still skeptical, allow me to paint you a little mind picture with my brain brush. This is Ban Ki-moon. He’s the Secretary-General of the United Nations.


Every now and then, when there’s a crisis on or he’s a bit bored, he’ll hold a UN Summit, where all the world leaders get together to have a bit of a knees-up and perhaps the odd thumb war. At the moment, these world leaders have to shake hands.

You'd find more charisma in a sponge.

This takes time, is boring, and – yep, you’ve guessed it, the whole germy thing again.

So imagine this: Ban Ki-moon gets everyone to sit down, and then runs in front of each row with his hand out, high-fiving everyone as he legs it past. Then, when he’s finished, all the world leaders high-five each other. Obama high-fiving Gaddafi. Cameron double-high-fives Sarkosy. In the background, Berlusconi does the whole ‘down below you’re too slow’ thing on Putin, who initially looks grumpy but then realises that it’s a high-five, and so laughs instead.

This also applies to being sworn into office.

Just think about how many lives could have been saved with a high-five. High-fives make everything better. If Obama would only high-five Ahmadinejad, tensions between the two countries would lift and they’d get along like a house on fire. Instead, due to the boring old handshake, houses literally are on fire.

If only Churchill had high-fived Hitler, millions of lives could have been spared. You think about that next time you’re in a stuffy business meeting. You’re ruining the world.