Wars would be renamed ‘Fairy Fights’

Posted: December 16, 2010 in Conflict, Politics
Tags: , , , , ,

War is a bad thing. It makes people sad. It makes other people dead. Half the problem is that the word ‘war’ is great to shout in the heat of battle, especially if you have a beard and a helmet with horns.

Apart from this dude, who shouts "FREEDOOOM!"

So, if I had my way, the word ‘war’ would be banned, and instead replaced with ‘fairy fight’. This would drastically reduce the number of wars in the world, thus minimising the number of deaths as a result of the wars. Confused? Then consider these scenarios.

Scenario One

A Viking runs into battle, a Spartan legs it towards the enemy, a Marine rushes towards a group of Islamic extremists. In the old days, they’d have yelled something along the lines of “This is WAAARR!”, with a really angry face.

Under my new rules, they’d scream “This is a FAIRY FIIIGHT!” Then they’d slow to a trot, then a walk, doubled over in laughter, as they realise just how daft they sound. Their enemies would do the same. One high-five later, and the war is over.

 

*wipes away tear* "Aah, that cracks me up. Now, off to go pillage something."

 

Scenario Two

Obama and Ahmadinejad are sat at a table, trying to broker a peace deal. Negotiations are stalling, and tensions are running high.

“I must warn you, Ahmadinejad,” states Obama, sternly, “that if you do not comply with our demands, it will mean an all-out fairy fight.”

A smile snatches at the corner of his lips. Ahmadinejad lets out a little snort behind his hand. Before you know it, they’re both giggling like schoolkids.

“Oh, you know what?” says Ahmadinejad, slapping his hands against the table. “Stuff all this arguing and that. Let’s go for a beer.”

They go for a beer. World War 3 – I mean, Fairy Fight 3 – averted. Lives saved. Job done.

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